Confidence and Identity,  Fear Insecurity Shame,  Women's Sexuality

Confronting Accusations

A woman recently accused me of being the reason broken women were still in the throes of sexual bondage and insecurity over their appearance. “…ur keeping women im the whole instagram bullshit problem…”

She made the point that real “hot momma/vavoomness” comes from a woman who doesn’t need to use tactics to get what she wants, but that she is creating change through inspiration and not giving a damn about what society expects.

(You can read her viewpoint in the comments here.)

With her full statements, she implies that if I (and other women) were not “leading” with sexuality that Instagram and FB would be full of images of intelligent, powerful and respectful women, not beach shots.

(In case you didn’t know, I have a swimsuit obsession.)

Let’s just take a look at that argument more closely, shall we?

A beautiful, sexy woman is not/can’t also be intelligent, powerful and respectful/respectable. Or if she was, she wouldn’t allow others to witness her full expression because…her beauty is bad???

NO! Her confidence scares some insecure women and inspires others. 

Secure women don’t go around bitching at what others are doing. They are too busy CREATING something beautiful and powerful to share with the world. Something that heals the wounds and transforms society.

She claimed that “respect not attention should be the goal.”

Now this sounds good, but it’s bullshit.

What woman grounded in who she is needs attention or respect to be okay with herself?

She doesn’t because she knows who she is.

The goal is neither respect nor attention.

The “goal” is identity: unshakable, immovable, incorruptible, unfuckwithable.

“Leading with sexuality.”

Please let’s just look at the obvious here:

WOMEN ARE SEXUAL BEINGS! (Le fucking duh.)

What exactly is leading with sexuality?

Women are sexual so please tell me how they cannot move around as sexual beings and lead others at the same time?

Oh, I have the perfect solution for that – pretend they are not sexual, tell them their sexuality is bad, shameful, scary, easily preyed on, objectified, etc. and tell them not to worry about their beauty, just be smarter.

Because no woman wants to actually be confidently beautiful and free of sexual insecurity.

Does this mean that models (fitness, bikini, Victoria Secret, etc.) and fitness/bikini competitors are wrong for following their passion and for their chosen profession because they are “half-naked” (another woman’s expressed concern)?

Clearly that is an unreasonable accusation.

(By “sexual” I am not narrowly speaking of the act of sex itself, but of the full sexual expression, energy and essence – what makes a woman a woman other than her physical attributes.)

A woman unashamed and undivided, walking in her full expression is truly the embodiment of the “full package.”

And damn does she make waves when she moves.

“Using tactics”

She states we shouldn’t use sexuality, but it’s okay to use intelligence because using your intelligence is not a tactic to get what you want???

My personal view is that sexuality is not something you should USE, it’s meant to be something you ARE.

If you are “using” your sexuality then you don’t fully understand it’s power yet.

(It is okay to be where you are, if you find yourself in that position. I would venture to say that most women have and many still are. It doesn’t make you bad! It just is. And if you don’t want to be in that position anymore, I can help. But if you are, and you are okay with that, then there is nothing to change because true change can only and should only be a personal decision made from the ready and willing heart – never to conform to social or religious pressure.)

You see there is a distinction between those who lead with sexuality because their identity is in something other than who they are. period. and those who are unashamed to embody their true inherent essence because they are rooted and grounded in an unshakable identity.

Women who are entangled in sexuality don’t understand it.

Women who use their sexuality to attract because they don’t understand true confidence in who they are don’t understand it.

Women who judge other women for being sexual don’t understand it.

But we can all come to a new understanding if we are open to it.

“Creating change through inspiration”

Does inspiration only come from the “smart, powerful and respectable?”

Are those not all subjective?

What makes someone smart, powerful, respectable?

This point implies that you cannot inspire through beauty, unless it is her acceptable form of beauty (i.e. intelligent, powerful, respectful/respectable). 

The definition of inspire is “to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.” It is also said to be “to animate someone with (such a feeling).”

Because you can’t create change through inspiration that comes from beauty, right? That is why music, art, nature, books, etc. don’t inspire anyone…

Is music creative? Is it beautiful?

Is art creative? Is it beautiful?

Is nature creative? Is it beautiful?

Is an author’s expression through writing creative? Beautiful?

Do you find all art, music, nature, writings, and so on, beautiful?

No. And why not? Because creative and beautiful are subjective. Do they not vary as the people do?

Now let me ask you: Is sexuality beautiful? 

If not, what is it?

When sexuality is rooted in the genuine love of self, it is also therefore rooted in the love of the other. Is this form of sexuality not a beautiful display of how it ought to be?

When sexuality is rooted in fear, insecurity, oppression, objectification is it not a cry for something better, something more?

“Not giving a damn about what society expects”

Society members do not all think the same, hence the discussion at hand. But since she has a view and is in society, a part of a whole, what makes her think “those” women give a damn about what she expects of them?

Look, we always see things not as they are, but as WE are.

So if we are concerned about whether others give a damn about us then we will think they think that way, too. And if we think others give a damn it’s because we do.

Apply concept elsewhere.

Wherever we hold others in judgment and limit their freedom of self-expression, we ourselves are likewise self-judged and limited.

Our goal ought to be freedom.

Why do some women fear the free and full expression of another woman? It is so obvious, but I will state it here: fear and insecurity.

If women knew the truth about who they are, where their value comes from and the beauty of their pure unadulterated sexuality there would be no more brokenness in their sexual expression.

“Attention”

Let’s talk briefly about it.

I mentioned earlier that a secure woman doesn’t need attention to feel secure, and this is true.

However – attention is a beautiful, natural thing. It will happen and it shouldn’t be feared or shamed.

Why are women faulted for wanting attention? What makes wanting attention bad/negative?

Is it okay to want attention for being intelligent and powerful, but not for being beautiful? I just want to clarify.

Is all attention “bad” or only sexual attention?

Does it make the woman bad if she gets this so-called sexual attention?

And what exactly defines sexual attention?

Is it when a man thinks she is pretty?
Is it when a man wants to ask her out?
Is it when a man has love at first sight?
Is it when a man wants to have sex with her? 

If a woman is fully clothed, but has a pretty face and a man thinks she is pretty because of his subjective viewpoint of her beauty, then is she to “blame?” Does that make her bad? Does that make HIM bad?!

What about form fitting, fully clothed?
How form fitting is too form fitting?
Can skinny girls get away with tighter clothes and not be considered vying for attention since they don’t have voluptuously tempting curves?

When girls are little, before they even comprehend their sexuality, they will twirl around in a dress with a big grin and look for the eyes of their caretaker, often a father figure. They are looking to be adored because they know they are adorable. They are looking for a witness to their beauty.

Are they leading with looks, beauty and sexuality? (They also run around naked and have no shame. But that is besides the point.)

Should we teach our daughters to fear attention to make it evil?

Should we teach our daughters to fear their sexuality and make it dirty?

Should we teach our daughters to NOT be sexual and not empower them with the knowledge of how to handle it and then expect them to be held sexually accountable for others?

I propose you teach you daughter how to handle her fire. Fire IS. It is not a matter of morality or existence.

If women fear their sexuality or that of another, they are not fully confident or fully free.

I used to be afraid of being attractive. I hid my eyes from onlookers as a way of moving through life. It took me a long time to realize that this was diminishing me as a person. I felt awkward around men until I realized there was nothing to fear. 

Teaching fear and shame is a disservice to our daughters who will be the future of womanhood.

Any area we have fear or are held back is an area where we are not confident and free.

I’m no longer afraid of being attractive, and I don’t base my worth on a man’s response or lack of. (Or on a woman’s frustration with me over it.)

It’s sad that attention is deemed negative. 

Attention is a normal human need and it should be celebrated not shamed as it is intimately attached to these external sense of belonging and value. Why do we hold to the notion that it is okay for children to desire attention and not adults?

It’s also sad to conclude that someone is “looking for” attention by what she wears.

“Half-naked”

How much skin is she allowed to show before it crosses the line to being blame and shame worthy? Or is it not the amount of skin, but the placement? 

Clearly, this is all such silly nonsense.

Another woman, who happens to be a pastor, also accused me, saying: “There is a disconnect between your heart and how you are physically presenting yourself. You are leading with sexuality.”

(You can read her viewpoint in the comments here.)
We already discussed the leading with sexuality point.

“Disconnect between the heart and physical presentation”

This one is good! In fact it is THE CRUX of what I love to teach on!

Women who are fearful, judgmental, insecure, etc. ARE disconnected from their heart and everything they do physically whether it comes across as good or bad, right or wrong, moral or immoral IS ROOTED IN NOT KNOWING THEIR TRUE INNATE IDENTITY.

Religious scenario: A female pastor teaches women to cover up their cleavage while being disconnected from her own heart because she fears other woman’s beauty (or more accurately she fears what their beauty means about hers), so she seeks to control externally what she hasn’t mastered internally (fear and insecurity). But because she is a pastor and their are women under her who are also not grounded in their identity, it will work for a time. Organizational group think. Fearful followers following fearful leaders.

True unshakable security is not found in anything external whether possession, process or presentation. Security comes from knowing who you are and your worth apart from anything else.

There is also what the religious would view as the so-called “heathen” woman, giving herself away, using her sexuality to get through life, looking for attention through the means of her sexual expression.

To emphasize the point yet again… It is not an issue of morality, but security.

The root issue is the same: not knowing her true identity which results in insecurity and fear expressing itself in a way that keeps her in the cycle of bondage – separated from her heart.

Neither are BAD. They just ARE.

Can we please stop making each other bad or wrong for doing things differently. For merely being different.

What matters is: are you happy where you are, with how that way of living is working for you, the results you are getting, etc.?

If you are, then you do you.

If you are not, if you feel held back, used up, or any other form of incomplete then we can take a look at what isn’t working for you and come up with a solution for that.

Women are clearly not one size fits all. And this goes for how they see life, what matters to them, how they want to live their life and what makes them happy (come alive).

This female pastor also said that if I was “pure, I wouldn’t draw other women’s husbands attention” to myself.

Umm. So, if a man sees a beautiful woman, the woman is now bad, impure, immoral for being beautiful because the man had that thought. (Biting my tongue.)

This implies a few things:

1) The woman is responsible for the man’s sexuality. (I wrote about this here, and here.)

2) Being attractive is wrong/bad/shameful.

3) ***Married men aren’t supposed to ever think another woman is beautiful.

***DO YOU REALIZE HOW IMPOSSIBLE THAT IS? That is madness. That is pure bonafide bullshit.

Let’s go there.

I lived most of my life in fear of my man thinking another woman was beautiful. (More on that and how I overcame the insecurity here.)

This may come as a shock to you, but when a man is in a committed relationship, even marriage, he doesn’t go blind. GASP!

Believe me…when I was insecure, I sometimes wished he was blind, and I sometimes wanted to gouge out his eyes and help him with that.

Your man will see other women who are beautiful, some more physically attractive than you. Yes, it is true. 

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

But a man who loves you:

Has made his choice
Is happy with his choice
Stands by his choice
Doesn’t act on his thought by mentally undressing the woman and sleeping with her in .02 seconds

Most men who are in a committed relationship to the woman they love feel like shit for even seeing a pretty woman because they have been conditioned to the same BS story (that they should never think another woman is beautiful again) and feel like they did something “wrong” if they do.

Am I saying that these committed men should act on it when they see a beautiful woman? Yes and no. They should acknowledge to themselves that they find her attractive/pretty and probably leave it at.

Why on earth would I say that?

Because otherwise they will start pretending and denying, feeling guilty and ashamed which leaves them with the subconscious belief that they are bad.

And people who believe they are bad subconsciously will act accordingly later because they cannot do other than they believe they are.

Can we please stop putting impossible expectations on men, setting them up to fail us?

And can we as women just own our own insecurity and alchemize it into smoking 🔥confidence?

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

I’m starting a Sexual Revolution to do just that.

This will change men and women worldwide.

It’s effect will touch all ages, races and classes.

This revolution will heal deep wounds, restore lost honor, overcome long-held stigmas and stereotypes and liberate my generation.

This sexual revolution is unlike anything seen or done before.

Historically, when society has had sexual breakdown that led to sexual oppression or dysfunction, activists have taken the head on approach. Although there is beauty in the passion and desire to heal and protect, the methods are not the most effective at dealing with the root issue driving men and women into devastation.

I believe that the issue at the root of every man and woman in sexual oppression or dysfunction is insecurity.

I firmly believe that the majority of all sexual encounters involve insecurity within either the heart of the man or woman, and more often both.

I believe this insecurity is also behind the failure of relationships, marriage and society’s sexual expression.

There is so much judgment against men and women when it comes to their sexuality and sexual expression.

There is so much accusation and degradation.

Since when has condemnation ever produced the fruit of liberation?

Change takes a whole new form of revelation.

One that the generalized society and religious church have yet to offer.

Society has offered us solutions from anything goes, to women empowerment – being if I choose into sex it can’t be taken from me, to the castration of female beauty and sexuality in the name of respect for women’s intelligence and contribution.

Religion has offered us the solution of hiddenness in the name of morality and modesty. This hiddenness shrouds sex and sexuality with shame and fear. Leaving it’s daughters devoid of true identity which is the foundation of real confidence.

Both seek to offer women the “right” way of viewing themselves and yet they both withhold a woman’s true fullness and value.

Both are motivated by fear. When fear is the motive for anything it’s proposed solution is detrimental.

Most women have taken one of these two roads, often traveled on both, found themselves mainly gravitating to one, and it has anchored their view of their sexuality. The pendulum swings.

How a woman views her own sexuality affects how men view their place within it. And vice versa.

Come. Follow me into a future of the fullness of sexual identity.

Always,

Colette

A word of wisdom from Walt Whitman – “Reexamine all you have been told in school or in church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul.”

Remember: “Those who don’t heal what hurts them will bleed on those who didn’t cut them.” – unknown